165: Losing Strategy #4: Retaliation (And Why It Creates a Cycle of Payback)

You got hurt. So you hurt them back.

You think you’re standing up for yourself. You think you’re evening the score. But really? You’re just creating more pain.

In this episode, Lilly breaks down the fourth of five losing strategies that keep you stuck in the same conflicts: retaliation. She explains what Terry Real calls “offending from the victim position,” why your nervous system wants payback, and how to stand up for yourself without tearing your partner down.

This is Part 4 of a 5-part series on the losing strategies that sabotage your relationship and how to interrupt the cycle.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What retaliation really is (offending from the victim position)

• The difference between overt retaliation (direct attacks) and covert retaliation (passive-aggressive punishment)

• Why your nervous system wants to make them feel what you feel

• What victim mentality has to do with retaliation

• Two powerful questions: What do you get out of being the victim? What do you get to avoid?

• The real cost: Creates a cycle of payback, prevents repair, erodes trust

• Why retaliation feels justified but destroys connection

• How to recognize when you’re in retaliation mode

• How to name the hurt directly instead of punishing them

• How to stand up for yourself with love (not vengeance)

• How to let go of the scorecard and ask for what you need

• The one question that changes everything: “Am I trying to hurt them back, or am I trying to repair this?”

Connect with Lilly:

• Work 1:1 with Lilly: support@lillyrachels.com

• Website: www.growthovereasy.com