You Can't Change Your Partner. You Can Only Change You.
One truth, one thought, one tactic for a healthier relationship & nervous system
Each week, 3T is one truth, one thought, and one tactic to help you stay connected when things get hard.
I got reminded of something important on a plane ride home this week. Thought you might need to hear it too.
TRUTH
Set your state. Don’t let others pull emotion out of you.
I was on a late flight, trying to sleep, and the woman next to me had her overhead light on, her computer screen at full brightness, and her phone practically glowing like a beacon.
It felt like she didn’t care at all about the people around her, and I could feel myself getting more and more frustrated.
But here’s the truth: She wasn’t the problem. I was.
Because she’s not the thing I have control over. I am.
This is the trap we fall into all the time, blaming and getting mad at other people for what they’re doing or not doing.
Your partner leaves dishes in the sink.
Doesn’t listen the way you want them to.
Doesn’t show up the way you think they should.
And you spend all your energy trying to change them instead of asking: What is this trying to teach me?
You can’t control your partner.
You can’t control the woman on the plane.
The only change you can truly make is how you show up.
That’s it. That’s the work.
THOUGHT
“You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.” — The Minimalists
You can’t control what others do. But you can control how you respond, and who you choose to let affect your state.
TACTIC
This week, notice where you’re trying to teach, fix, or change your partner instead of cleaning up your own side of the street.
Try this:
Next time you feel yourself getting frustrated with your partner, pause and ask yourself:
What am I making this mean about me? (Am I feeling unheard? Disrespected? Not enough?)
What part of this is mine to own? (My reaction? My expectation? My boundary?)
What would change if I focused on my state instead of their behavior?
You’re not letting them off the hook.
You’re just getting clear on what’s actually yours to carry.
One thing to notice this week: Where are you choosing constraint (trying to control them) over freedom (owning your response)?
If you're tired of snapping over small things and then shutting down, feeling like a failure at the one thing that should come naturally, this is what I do. I train your nervous system so you can catch it before it starts. Book your strategy call.