The Winning and Losing Game in Relationships
Fighting to be right is one of the Five Losing Strategies in relational communication according to therapist and author Terry Real.
This losing strategy causes relationships to lose polarity and fosters competition instead of connection. I see this happening a lot with my clients, and I want to help you understand why it’s harmful.
When you insist that you are right, it means your partner's view is wrong. The relationship turns into a competition with winners and losers. Often times when this shows up in relationships the actual issue gets pushed aside in the name of “winning”. Healthy relationships require partners to play for the same team, not be in opposition.
If one partner is constantly fighting to be right, the other is typically building resentment which can later lead to contempt. Left unchecked most relationships won’t survive contempt for long.
The key here is perspective. We need to realize that people have different ways of looking at things and doing things, and that's okay. It's based on what we value. You don’t see the world as it is, you see it through who you are.
For example, imagine we need to wash a car. You say, "This is the right way to do it," and you start washing it your way. I might think, "That's not how I would do it," and I start doing it my way. This can get frustrating because we both believe our way is superior.
But what if we understood each other better? What if you said, "If we want to get this done quickly, we should do it this way," and I said, "I want to make it fun, so let's have a soap fight and spray each other with water!" You see, there's no one "right" way to wash a car; it depends on what we value.
So, how do we talk about this and bring connection and understanding back to our relationships? Here are three steps:
Get clear on your values. In our car-washing example, it could be efficiency or having fun. What value is under your need to push your way?
Share your value clearly with your partner. If you value efficiency because you have a full schedule, you can say, "I have a lot to get done, so I would like to do this quickly, are you ok with that?" This helps your partner understand your needs.
Hold space for your partner’s perspective. Understand that most things are not just right or wrong; they're colorful and nuanced. Just because you don’t see it the way they see it, doesn't make it wrong. It’s just different.
So, the next time you find yourself wanting to be right in an argument, take a step back and ask yourself, "What do I value, and how can I share that value with my partner?" This simple change can make your relationships much stronger and more harmonious.
P.S.
If you feel frustrated, angry, or bitter in your relationship and your communication with your partner is on the rocks. I can help. Simply drop me an email at lilly@lillyrachels.com. I’d love to connect and see if I can help you stop living like roommates and get back to living like lovers again.