The Ultimate Killer of Relational Communication
How making assumptions is damaging your relationship
Assumptions are the ultimate killer of communication.
Have you ever read The Four Agreements? No, go buy it now. It’s a short book with a huge message, I read it twice a year.
One of the Four Agreements is: Don’t Make Assumptions.
A simple yet extremely useful practice to put into place in your life.
When I was little my mom use to say, “Assuming makes an ass out of u and me.” This little saying has proven itself true over the course of my life.
In fact, I almost lost a very close friend earlier this year over an assumption. I felt hurt about a situation and instead of calling my friend up to talk, I ASSUMED she was purposely trying to hurt me. This assumption turned an easily explainable situation into a BIG mess. Thankfully we both saw how we had misinterpreted each other and healed the situation. But many tears and hurt feelings could have been avoided had I not made an assumption.
Assuming shuts down exploration and possibility.
The reason I believe assumptions are the killer of communication is that it leaves no room for growth. No room for change. No room for opportunity.
When you assume you know what your partner thinks or will say about something you quit asking for their thoughts.
It’s easy over the course of a long-term relationship to feel you KNOW your partner, and you probably do know a lot about them.
But your person is ever-evolving, just like you. They aren’t the same person you met 5 years ago or even 5 months ago. Their opinions, interests, and outlook have evolved as they have experienced more life. Making assumptions will close off space for their evolution.
Another reason assumptions damage relationships is because you will form what Terry Real coined a Core Negative Image (CNI) of your partner. The CNI is essentially the worst possible version of your man or woman that lives in your head. While the CNI you formed likely doesn’t reflect your partner at their core, your mind believes this version of your partner exists and will bring it front and center during a conflict.
You cloud reality and can create long-term damage in your relationship as you make assumptions about your partner through the lens of your CNI of them. They won’t stand a chance if you are assuming the worst as if it’s fact.
How do you break this behavior? The antidote to assumption is curiosity.
Curiosity breaks through your false sense of knowing by opening communication channels. When you choose exploration and possibility your partner gets to express themselves instead of you pre-determining their views.
When you remain curious you ask questions. In conflict, more harm often comes from the things we don’t say than the things we do. Instead of staying quiet, ask the question. Leaning into curiosity will enable you to listen with less judgment.
If you want to transform your relationship the next time you feel yourself making an assumption, stop, get curious, and ask your partner instead.
Do you struggle with making assumptions? I want to know! Drop me an email (lilly@lillyrachels.com) or comment below.