The Drift
How relationships slowly become disconnected and finding your way back to each other
Most relationships aren’t taken out by egregious acts.
When you think of a reason to leave someone, what comes to mind?
Maybe abuse, cheating, addictions… all valid reasons to end a relationship. Yet most don’t reach that level when they crack. Most relationships die from the drift.
The drift starts subtly and is camouflaged, often by the illusion that you are comfortable in the relationship. We tell ourselves things like, “The honeymoon phase is over.” Acting as though relationships are designed to be a flame at first and nothing but coals as time leads on.
The reality is, the flames burn hot when we intentionally feed the fire.
And we drift when we stop intentionally making time to connect: skipping the date night, not welcoming each other when you get home, responding to "How was your day?” with “fine.” It happens slowly over time.
Remember when you used to get into bed together and just look into each other’s eyes, hungrily touching and connecting after the day, and then one day you realize you haven’t gone to bed together in months. And when he does come to bed, his touches are more of an annoyance to you than a bid for connection.
Or when you would open the car door for her, and now you sit in the driver’s seat scrolling your phone until she gets in the car.
No one is doing anything bad. It’s a slow fade from connected to simply cooperating.
We drift when we stop prioritizing the relationship. Sometimes it’s because resentment has grown from feeling rejected. Sometimes it’s a busy season of raising kids and handling logistics; the relationship gets put on the back burner. And comfort becomes complacency. We assume the relationship will be there, so we stop doing the things that created the relationship in the first place.
The flames are no longer being stoked. You stop doing the small stuff, you stop prioritizing the connection, you stop asking for what you need until one day you wake up, look yourself in the mirror, and question the entire relationship.
Unhappy, you may even find yourself wishing your partner would have done something egregious. An affair with the coworker would be your ticket out. Feeling like you don’t have enough reason to leave, yet you don’t want to stay. Craving the betrayal so that you have a villain to blame, a reason you two are so far apart. But the drift is sneaky, coming in as a slow fade, not an adversary that you can easily name.
It happens slowly and then all at once. Like a tiny hole in your pants that gets bigger over time until the day you put them on and your toe snags, ripping them apart. That’s how we drift.
The drift is the result of a relationship on cruise control. Reconnection requires you to take the wheel again. There is no villain to point to, only two people who must make the conscious decision to find their way back to each other or allow the drift to separate them for good.
Reconnection.
The first step is naming the drift. Acknowledge to yourself that the relationship has drifted before you try to bring your partner in.
Get curious with yourself first: where has the relationship drifted for you? What was once there that you are missing? What do you need to move forward together? Where do you want to get back to with your partner? When you have clarity on this, you can begin the journey of moving towards your partner again.
To come out of the drift, we need to map the new location we are traveling to. Set the GPS, drop the pin—otherwise you are just driving around wasting gas.
With the coordinates set, it’s time to open the lines of communication. Sharing the clarity you have with your partner. This can be as simple as: “I want to be connected to you, and I feel like we’ve drifted apart.” Then be clear on what would help you get back on track: “I need to have a night a week just for us, and here’s what I would love for that to look like…” Be specific with your asks—the drift comes when we are vague. Give your partner a tangible solution to the problem you’re facing.
Then turn the same curiosity toward your partner and ask: What’s changed for you in how you feel toward me? What do you need that you’ve stopped asking for? Where do you think we started to drift?
Now listen. Give your partner space to share and (if needed) space to process internally and come back to you with an answer. It took time to drift; don’t rush the reconnection because you’re uncomfortable. Remember, long-term love plays the long game.
When both asks are on the table, take action on what’s uncovered. Words are the gateway, but without action, you will continue to drift apart.
Prioritize the action. It’s easy to make everything else in life a priority over your relationship. Work can feel more important in the short term, but in the long term it’s the relationship that you intend to outlive your career.
Great relationships don’t just happen. They are built through intentionally reconnecting with your partner again and again.
It’s the unsexy side of building long-term love, which is why so many relationships flounder and eventually end.
I’ve lived through relationships that have drifted—some ended, some reconnected. I won’t sugarcoat the reconnection; it’s not easy and can be highly uncomfortable. There’s no magic pill or overnight fix, just like going to the gym: you must put in the reps. Intentionally prioritizing the connection.
If you need help getting out of the drift and back into connection this is the exact work I do with couples. Send me an email: lilly@growthovereasy.com.