Relationship Minimalism
Clearing out the old wounds and old patterns that are cluttering your relationships
In 2015 a friend of mine posted a beautiful photo of her capsule wardrobe on Facebook. Her paired-down items were meticulously organized by color. The ascetic of it appealed so much to me that I inquired about where she got the idea. She directed me to the documentary Minimalism and I was hooked.
I have watched it at least 15 times. The concept of minimalism embodied my soul’s desire for simplification.
I prefer things to be simple as Gretchen Rubin says “Outer order creates inner calm”. Perhaps my obsession with a simple space comes from my mother’s drive to keep the house clean. The days were much better at home when things were tidy. For me, cleanliness is associated with peace.
Minimalism found its way from my closet into my personal life when I started to realize I was cluttering my deepest relationships with all the baggage I had hoarded from the past.
Old patterns, old wounds, old rules. We carry the old into the new and then wonder why life has a way of repeating itself.
We date the same person in a different body. We repeat the same arguments. We keep ripping the scabs off old wounds instead of allowing them to heal.
Why?
Because we forget to cleanse the clutter of the past.
This has become very apparent for me lately as I have found myself slipping into an old relationship pattern of withdrawal.
I learned the art of withdrawal in childhood and fine-tuned my skill for emotional seclusion in my 20s.
Like most people, this pattern was created to keep me safe. I learned early on that being quiet, getting small, and removing myself from conflict kept me safe. When I sensed tension my nervous system said “Flight!” and I would retreat into my shell of safety to avoid the chaos around me.
In my 20’s I didn’t realize the ramifications the early years had on me. While I was slightly less averse to conflict, there would come a point where the stress in a partner’s voice would get too strained or too loud that my flight response would kick back in and I’d close up. All the things I needed to say swelled in my heart and head but couldn’t make the journey through my throat and out of my mouth.
Back in 2018, I visited a Qi Gong practitioner. As we practiced breath and movement I felt strong and alive, but when it came time to chant and make the “OM” sound, my voice died in my throat. A sign, according to the guide, of a child who never expressed their needs and desires, i.e. a child who withdrew.
This was the point I realized I had to change. Because reliving this pattern and not expressing myself was costing me not just relationships but my peace.
So what does my struggle with an expression of feelings and withdrawal during conflict have to do with relational minimalism?
Relational Minimalism is about stripping away patterns and examining the WHY behind the behavior.
As I started to get curious and create awareness around my pattern I was able to improve it, and yes I still have to work at this. Deeply ingrained patterns take dedication to re-write.
Here is a glimpse of what re-writing my pattern looks like…
Uncover my pattern: I withdraw when others appear stressed/angry
Unpack the WHY behind my behavior: to maintain a sense of safety
Identify the desired change: Stay engaged during conflict and allow uncomfortable emotions to flow through me without escaping them. Create safety within myself and not make it the responsibility of someone else.
Set actionable steps to use when my pattern is triggered: Take five deep breaths, pause the discussion while I gather my thoughts, and allow myself to be messy as I practice sharing feelings.
*You can use these same steps to examine and change your own patterns.
When we look to simplify and clear the clutter of our past we can start to understand why we are the way we are and pursue change.
I understand why I withdraw. Now it’s all about taking actionable steps to re-write the pattern so it doesn’t damage my relationships.
Your old patterns and untreated wounds will undermine your ability to create deep connections with other people. These wounds and patterns are like an invisible dog fence, you don’t know they are there until you get triggered. But this trigger is a gift because it shows you your growth edge.
Where are you hoarding old hurts? Where are you keeping around relationship baggage? Just like those baseball cards in the back corner of your garage, this clutter isn’t helping you, it’s just taking up space in your heart.
The first step in clearing the clutter is becoming curious and cultivating self-awareness around your behavior. What triggers you to shut down, lash out, feel guilty or be impulsive? Start there.
If you are ready to de-clutter your relationship and need support, I can help. Email me at lilly@lillyrachels.com, it’s time for some relational spring cleaning.