No More People Pleasing
Wednesday Wisdom
You beat yourself up over every little thing.
You fear making mistakes.
You attach your value to perfection.
You feel physically sick when you disappoint someone.
Above is a note I once wrote to myself (I do this a lot).
This particular personal note was prompted by the unease I felt in my body after I believed I had dropped the ball on something at a job.
I felt sick.
My stomach was in knots, my mind was overanalyzing the situation, and that little voice in my head was beating me up.
I spent a whole day this way - dreading a conversation I just knew was coming about how worthless of an employee I was.
Well, it turns out, I didn’t ruin anything. There was a simple miscommunication that was easily remedied and everyone moved on.
Yet I wasted an entire day worked up over it.
As aggravating as that was, it woke me up. I realized that I was living out a pattern of behavior I had adopted as a child and it was wrecking my mental health.
Somewhere in my younger years, I had connected my worth as a person to my ability to please others.
As a kid, this pattern served my need for safety. I was good. I didn’t rock the boat. I avoided upsetting others. Conflict was scary and I would do whatever it took to keep the peace.
It even got to the point where as a child I wanted to be sick/injured because it brought love and attention. When I was pitied, I didn’t feel scrutinized.
Pleasing people protected my worth and displeasing people left me feeling empty.
I had no boundaries, no ability to receive criticism, no self-confidence, and no fun.
Something had to give.
On my journey to break my people-pleasing pattern, I started taking a curious look at my childhood.
Two questions that helped me begin this journey:
Whose love did I crave the most?
What did I think I had to do to get it?
I craved my mother’s love and to get it I thought I had to be perfect.
Now when you begin doing inner child work it’s important to remember we are not looking to place blame on your parents. We are looking to understand your patterns of protection.
When I work with clients I have them describe their childhood from their 7-year-old point of view. Because it is your perception of reality that creates your patterns.
As an adult, I know both my parent loved me very much and I know issues in my home were not my fault.
But at 7 years old… I questioned if I was lovable and I blamed myself when my parents fought.
Just because your adult mind can use logic and reason to understand your past doesn’t mean your inner child has let go of the pattern of protection.
People-pleasing was my protection. I could manipulate the outcome as a child by playing a certain role. It brought me a sense of control. It created safety.
To break this pattern I had to confront my fears and create safety in a new way…
I found support through a coach.
I went through a grieving process over the relationship I always craved with my mother.
I exchanged judgment for compassion towards my younger self.
I learned to resource and move emotions through my body.
I sat with my uncomfortable feelings instead of reframing them into “good” ones.
Through deep inner child work and allowing myself to grieve the connection I craved I slowly started to break my pattern of people-pleasing.
I began to detach my worth from others’ approval. I set healthy boundaries. I developed self-confidence, and I learned that criticism is not a condemnation of my character, it brings awareness to my growth edges.
This transformation wasn’t overnight. It took work, and honestly, I still work at it. Deeply rooted patterns take dedication and determination to re-write.
If I can do this, you can too.
Your life transforms when you break patterns.
People-pleasing
Emotional unavailability
Avoidance
Overthinking
Overachieving
These are a few examples of patterns of protection.
When you live out your childhood patterns in your adult life you inhibit deep connection with others.
I believe we are pack animals. Wired for connection.
You can live your whole life isolated from true intimacy if you allow patterns of protection to go uninterrupted.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Change is available to you. Connection is available to you.
If you are curious about what inner child work looks like, I invite you to book a Virtual Coffee with me. We’ll chat about where you are at, where you wish to be, and what coaching would look like for you. Don’t worry, I won’t push. This work is for those who choose it for themselves.
Life can be complicated - you don’t have to figure it out alone.