How Do You Move in Conflict?
Wednesday Wisdom
When under pressure and experiencing conflict in a romantic relationship people tend to take on one of three stances:
Aggressive
Dependent
Withdrawn
If you fall into the aggressive stance your natural inclination is to move against your partner. This behavior can come across as very direct and action-oriented. Those with an aggressive stance may find themselves pushing a point to maintain control during conflict or chasing an idealized outcome. The nervous system of someone with an aggressive stance easily moves into fight when tensions rise. When pushed, an aggressive stance pushes back.
If you fall into the dependent stance you will likely find yourself seeking resolution. Moving towards your partner in an effort to reestablish closeness. Those with a dependent stance work fast to fix the rupture often at the expense of their own needs. The nervous system, of someone with a dependent stance, quickly falls into a fawn response, seeking to appease their partner. When pushed, a dependent stance leans in.
If you fall into the withdrawn stance you look to escape the conflict by shutting down and pulling away from your partner. You aim to protect your peace. The solitude of your mind may feel comforting amid the friction in the relationship. The nervous system of some with a withdrawn stance commonly moves into flight. When pushed, a withdrawn stance steps back.
None of these stances are bad or wrong.
They are just different.
Knowing your stance and your partners can help you navigate conflict with grace and ease.
For example, if I have a withdrawn stance and my partner has a dependent stance. During a conflict, it’s likely that I would want to remove myself from the situation and seek some space, my partner on the other hand may try to follow me out of the room to reestablish closeness. By knowing our stances, I can create safety for my partner by saying something like, “I need to take a breather, I will come back and finish this discussion with you, please give me 20 minutes”. This simple statement creates space for both of our needs to be met during a conflict.
Conflict happens.
When you choose to share a life with someone disagreements and unmet needs will come up. You can alleviate a lot of the mess by getting curious about how you and your partner naturally respond to relational friction.
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