Drawing My Line

A personal story of setting boundaries

Let’s talk about the B word…

Boundaries.

Every relationship in your life needs them, especially your relationship with yourself.

I use to struggle to set boundaries with others and myself. When I was younger I formed the belief that being selfless meant I was a good person. Being selfless for me involved: never upsetting others, not having opinions, and going with the flow.

When I was 18 one of my younger brother’s friends said to me “Lilly you’re the most passive person I know.” Sadly, I took his statement as a compliment.

Being “go with the flow” and “chill” was part of my identity. And I held tight to it through most of my 20s. What I didn’t know then was my “selfless” behavior was hurting me. I was going with the flow through life and didn’t seem to notice the flow had turned into a waterfall off the cliff of my self-worth.

My self-esteem became rooted in the acceptance and approval I got from others. I didn’t want to be liked, I NEEDED it. After all, if someone didn’t like me then I believed there was something wrong with me and my goal of never offending or rocking the boat had failed.

While early on my behavior made me a “cool chick” I was quickly approaching doormat status, allowing others to walk all over me. The boundariless life I had lived hit peak state at about 27.

The best part about your lowest point, the only direction to go is up.

I recently read through the journal I had kept at this time in my life. Tears swelled in my eyes as I reflected on how far removed I am from the hurting girl who desperately wanted to earn love. But she wasn’t a victim, at least not at the expense of others.

I was the one neglecting my boundaries. I was the one choosing to let others walk on me. I was attached to my idealized identity of “chill Lilly”. While yes, there was trauma from the past that had set the stage for my early adult behavior, at some point I had to stop pointing fingers at things I had no control over and take responsibility for my life.

Trauma is real. And has lasting effects on you until treated. Unhealed wounds will continue to show up in your life (particularly your relationships). But it’s YOUR life you are the only one who can choose to treat and move forward from your wounds.

The best part about personal responsibility? You now have control over the narrative. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started dealing with my own sh!t. I went to therapy, I read personal development books, I curated a healthy friend circle, I reconnected to my faith, and I set boundaries.

Setting boundaries was HARD. I felt mean and guilty. Some people got angry. I risked never seeing my mom again (the hardest boundary I’ve ever set).

My boundaries weren’t to control others, they were to protect me. Through this process (about 3 years) my life transformed. I started giving myself the same respect and kindness I was giving to others. I began to like myself. I became confident and grounded in who I am. I no longer needed to be accepted and approved of by others. I formed my own opinions. The relationships in my life changed. Some healed (the one with my mom), some got stronger (close friendships), and others fell away (my marriage ended).

Change didn’t happen overnight, it was incredibly messy. It wasn’t easy. It was growth.

I blame no one for the low state I was in years ago. The way others treated me was a reflection of how I treated myself. They mirrored my behavior. Setting boundaries started with me. I had to hold myself accountable for how I thought and spoke of myself.

How would your life change if you set healthy boundaries?

How would treating yourself with respect and kindness change your life?

Maybe you start with the things you allow your mind to think and mouth to say about you.

It won’t be easy - it will be growth.

If this resonated with you and you have comments, please drop them below or email me lilly@lillyrachels.com.

Healthy boundaries changed my life and they can change yours too.